Day of Realization I
it was going to be other late arising, but Dr.kaul’s knock at the door got me up at right time; most of times when i leave my bed, I feel strong urge to get back except when some external agent makes me to get up. I made some tea for myself and Vikas, today-morning was those rare instances when i felt without any pain due to my insecurities.
I gathered my mail of last two weeks from shelf above where my computer sits and sat to open it, sifting through mail is mostly a abhorrent process for me but with little patience I can sift through whole bunch of mail without getting any headache, I finished mail checking in one go.Dr.kaul had brought his kid in the morning to our apartment, Vikas was leaving for his work and I came to know that I was supposed to be with kids till he is back’s let him know that I too have some important work at department and suggested that we could lock the kids in apartment from outside .Vikas as usual with his conservative outlook molded by his extrovert mindset was adamant to take kids along with him to his office ;he believed leaving children alone in apartment is illegal, anything untoward could happen.
After Vikas along with kids left, I felt that regular feeling of uneasiness that arises due to duality that lingers in my mind about decisions I make; I wasn’t sure whether I should have decided to stay at home to be with kids or leave for department. I thought since Vikas has helped me on lot of occasions and I hardly been of any help to him ,I should have taken care of kids and let him go for his work but then I thought help has to be returned without putting oneself on disadvantage. By now that feeling of uneasiness was gone. In the state of defocus, i went to myspace website looked around for online gals, but there wasn’t any. I rushed to bathroom took off my clothes and took a shower, fully naked, for some time I have stopped using underwear as I sweat heavily in summer and get itchy feeling if I am wearing underwear.I put on my normal T shirt and jeans ,I have been wearing over a month ,bowed before my little temple and prayed for hassle free day and got up to ask samething from lord Ganasha, whenever I have motivation to do little prayer before leaving from my place, I leave in high spirits .
I, reached my department, put my bag in my office and headed straight to Mr.kims office, find Jason there and enquired about whether they have placed any order for photodetector,and then left to meet Dr.Holtz ,he wasn’t in his office and it occurred to me that I need to check with Jason about how to place a workshop order with him. I headed back to Jason’s office and I told him it would be better if he can have a look on sample stand I want to place workshop order for, he was busy so I came back and went with him to Dr.lichtis laboratory; I explained how I intend to machine a slot in stand and to place a LED and focusing lenses into slot ;He suggested that i should first make some calculations about where to place the LED and lens in the slot to get a desired focus for light emitted by LED. Those moments of uncertainty again surfaced in me, Jason has given his help and was just standing besides me and I became uncertain whether to tell him that he can leave or let him decide on his own. Meanwhile I decide to move out from the laboratory and Jason followed me I thought I would be better to have a look on LEDS ,I have kept with Jason ,to get a better idea about their dimensions, so,I went with Jason to his office again and he did required measurements for me ,I thanked him for help and left in a positive mood; generally whenever I have went for seeking help from technical staff at my work place I leave in downbeat mood after meeting them; partly, because technical staff is not outright helpful and do try to show there attitude by hurting your ego by there slow responses or complete unwillingness to answer your questions and partly ,because I am not smart enough to handle such situations and lazy to do groundwork on job before approaching them .
I ,set out for home, while on my way I felt little unconfident about the way I walk with a bag hanging from my shoulder but immediately I regained my confidence by motivating myself that confidence is sate of mind rather to be decided by way I walk. I reached my place and straight way phoned to vikas to let him know that he can bring back kids as I have returned back, a feeling of reproach about not helping Vikas by staying at apartment in morning with kids was still hovering in my mind .Again in sate of defocus I sat to check myspace for any good-looking gals who is wiling to have sex with me, but was unsuccessful to find one, I was feeling hungry and made few sandwiches and by the time I finished eating sandwiches, I was feeling sleepy; I went to bed and pulled comforter over myself .
I, got up after few hours and straight way went to check Myspace website for any chance to find any willing gal, surfed myspace for few hours but was again unsuccessful .A task done with clear purpose always leaves you happy whether or not desired outcome is achieved and one done with unclear purpose leaves you unhappy in either way; since, I was looking for gals for sex not for making friends and tried to pose as one who is looking for friendship ,I was feeling licentious, so, I (checked) few porn sites and saw dozen of 1 minute sex-act videos, after that I went to toilet to deflate my rod. Coming out of toilet I as usually resolved to become disciplined but within next thirty minutes I was back with myspace thing and went through same process. Again, I vowed to maintain sexual discipline, this time had realization that looking for women to get laid is a futile process for me, because I don't have enough credentials to impress a American chick; getting laid with some hooker or unattractive girl never motivated me, as I feel that act of sex is not mere mechanical act but leads to emotional attachment with sex partner which I can't establish with hooker.
Now,my head was clear from infatuation to get laid; I checked orkut website also a friendship seeker website but not solely to find chicks, and answered some of comments and questions ,friends have written on my scrap section, besides I wrote some stuff on scrap section of some gals but with purpose of making new connections. I put on music, recent hits and after a long time felt good, listening English music because my mind was in sate of focus). I decide to record my whole day in writing and started writing with this blog,i pray God he keeps me mentally sane so that I can make it a habit to record every day of life whether good or bad in the form of Blog.
I gathered my mail of last two weeks from shelf above where my computer sits and sat to open it, sifting through mail is mostly a abhorrent process for me but with little patience I can sift through whole bunch of mail without getting any headache, I finished mail checking in one go.Dr.kaul had brought his kid in the morning to our apartment, Vikas was leaving for his work and I came to know that I was supposed to be with kids till he is back’s let him know that I too have some important work at department and suggested that we could lock the kids in apartment from outside .Vikas as usual with his conservative outlook molded by his extrovert mindset was adamant to take kids along with him to his office ;he believed leaving children alone in apartment is illegal, anything untoward could happen.
After Vikas along with kids left, I felt that regular feeling of uneasiness that arises due to duality that lingers in my mind about decisions I make; I wasn’t sure whether I should have decided to stay at home to be with kids or leave for department. I thought since Vikas has helped me on lot of occasions and I hardly been of any help to him ,I should have taken care of kids and let him go for his work but then I thought help has to be returned without putting oneself on disadvantage. By now that feeling of uneasiness was gone. In the state of defocus, i went to myspace website looked around for online gals, but there wasn’t any. I rushed to bathroom took off my clothes and took a shower, fully naked, for some time I have stopped using underwear as I sweat heavily in summer and get itchy feeling if I am wearing underwear.I put on my normal T shirt and jeans ,I have been wearing over a month ,bowed before my little temple and prayed for hassle free day and got up to ask samething from lord Ganasha, whenever I have motivation to do little prayer before leaving from my place, I leave in high spirits .
I, reached my department, put my bag in my office and headed straight to Mr.kims office, find Jason there and enquired about whether they have placed any order for photodetector,and then left to meet Dr.Holtz ,he wasn’t in his office and it occurred to me that I need to check with Jason about how to place a workshop order with him. I headed back to Jason’s office and I told him it would be better if he can have a look on sample stand I want to place workshop order for, he was busy so I came back and went with him to Dr.lichtis laboratory; I explained how I intend to machine a slot in stand and to place a LED and focusing lenses into slot ;He suggested that i should first make some calculations about where to place the LED and lens in the slot to get a desired focus for light emitted by LED. Those moments of uncertainty again surfaced in me, Jason has given his help and was just standing besides me and I became uncertain whether to tell him that he can leave or let him decide on his own. Meanwhile I decide to move out from the laboratory and Jason followed me I thought I would be better to have a look on LEDS ,I have kept with Jason ,to get a better idea about their dimensions, so,I went with Jason to his office again and he did required measurements for me ,I thanked him for help and left in a positive mood; generally whenever I have went for seeking help from technical staff at my work place I leave in downbeat mood after meeting them; partly, because technical staff is not outright helpful and do try to show there attitude by hurting your ego by there slow responses or complete unwillingness to answer your questions and partly ,because I am not smart enough to handle such situations and lazy to do groundwork on job before approaching them .
I ,set out for home, while on my way I felt little unconfident about the way I walk with a bag hanging from my shoulder but immediately I regained my confidence by motivating myself that confidence is sate of mind rather to be decided by way I walk. I reached my place and straight way phoned to vikas to let him know that he can bring back kids as I have returned back, a feeling of reproach about not helping Vikas by staying at apartment in morning with kids was still hovering in my mind .Again in sate of defocus I sat to check myspace for any good-looking gals who is wiling to have sex with me, but was unsuccessful to find one, I was feeling hungry and made few sandwiches and by the time I finished eating sandwiches, I was feeling sleepy; I went to bed and pulled comforter over myself .
I, got up after few hours and straight way went to check Myspace website for any chance to find any willing gal, surfed myspace for few hours but was again unsuccessful .A task done with clear purpose always leaves you happy whether or not desired outcome is achieved and one done with unclear purpose leaves you unhappy in either way; since, I was looking for gals for sex not for making friends and tried to pose as one who is looking for friendship ,I was feeling licentious, so, I (checked) few porn sites and saw dozen of 1 minute sex-act videos, after that I went to toilet to deflate my rod. Coming out of toilet I as usually resolved to become disciplined but within next thirty minutes I was back with myspace thing and went through same process. Again, I vowed to maintain sexual discipline, this time had realization that looking for women to get laid is a futile process for me, because I don't have enough credentials to impress a American chick; getting laid with some hooker or unattractive girl never motivated me, as I feel that act of sex is not mere mechanical act but leads to emotional attachment with sex partner which I can't establish with hooker.
Now,my head was clear from infatuation to get laid; I checked orkut website also a friendship seeker website but not solely to find chicks, and answered some of comments and questions ,friends have written on my scrap section, besides I wrote some stuff on scrap section of some gals but with purpose of making new connections. I put on music, recent hits and after a long time felt good, listening English music because my mind was in sate of focus). I decide to record my whole day in writing and started writing with this blog,i pray God he keeps me mentally sane so that I can make it a habit to record every day of life whether good or bad in the form of Blog.
posted by brariangan @ 11:31 PM
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