day of wastage -II

As a usual habit ,I left my bed two hours after the alarm was set for day, but considering the time I have been getting up for over a month or so, I didn’t get up late today. Today, my mind was light as against the general heaviness I am used to in most of mornings, straight way after I leave my bed.

I headed straight to my computer, checked for any new emails and few Indian and American news papers. Since, I have owned computer almost for nine months for now, I have got bad habit of surfing five to six main news papers continuously for hours ,till I don't get tired of the process, by the time I get tired ,I have no energy left to do anything other than resigning myself to sleep. The process of surfing news papers starts in positive sate of mind ,for first twenty minutes, I get a good picture of all the main news but when I pass twenty minute line I am sort of forced to go sifting through different news papers by some mysterious force and the positive sate of mind is taken over by state of repugnance -a feeling of dislike that I don't have motivation to leave computer and do something useful .I know ,I should stop the process of surfing after 20 minutes because there are other important things to be taken care of ,but somewhere I have lost the motivation to spend time on important chores of day, that makes me to dislike what I am doing, but motivation to leave my computer and start with my studies is so weak that I keep on going with my net surfing. After I have spend few hours on purposeless surfing through various news papers ,I lose peace of mind and feel very tired- human beings are programmed in a way, that if they do any task without full attention and any purpose they loose vital energy to keep going on, that is why Buddha emphasized to do every task with full attention and involvement how (trifle) the task be.

One of the core aspects of loosing motivation to spend my time ,on studies rather on purposeless net surfing is that for quite some time ,I have found I can't concentrate more than ten minutes whenever I try to study, particularly concentration becomes a problem when I have to understand any new concept -I feel my life style has made my mind become little imbecile .When I can't study and have nothing to do net surfing becomes only option, but lack of proper attention and involvement while net surfing makes me mentally and physically tired. Other reason for lack of motivation is ,on lot of occasions while studying I feel I am getting some difficult concepts easily I get excited and leave studies and as a celebration of my triumph I head for net surfing and then find it hard to go back to studies for one reason or other.

today, as mentioned earlier I was feeling light in my head ,so, decided to clean dishes and kitchen shelf; After cleaning dishes I set to make lunch, scooped two small cups of rice in rice cooker and placed it on heater, then I set a dish on high heat and added some oil into it; I have only little grocery left for week ,particularly there where only few frozen vegetable packs left, that too with little variety, so, I was forced to make regular stuff -bean and potatoes. By the time oil was hot enough I emptied the whole frozen vegetable content into dish,it made a lot of sputtering and few specks of oil got splashed on my hand to give me a burning sensation; I have lost patience for quite sometime to defrost the vegetables before putting them in oil because I am feeling frustrated about not being able to study. However, lunch was ready within hour or so and as soon it was ready I straight way fetched my plate and arranged the lunch on it and hasted to finish my lunch.

Meanwhile, I had found that Ibn, an Indian news channel, has put the interview of finance minister and a smart Indian journalist, Karan Thapar on there website. I started the video with my lunch plate on my lap ,while eating my lunch I watched the part I of interview .Karan Thapar is one of best young English interviewers in India, finance minister Chidambaram ,an Harvard MBA have a good command of English language ,so, it was going to be interactions between equals, as against the interviewers Karan had with other ministers in past ,who don’t hold a good command on English; even though they are outspoken people but could not counter Karan's volleys with élan .Finance minister did show his mastery of English language in interview but he also tried to bully Karan that was motivated by some extend by common south Indian notion of being intellectually superior to north Indians ,although Karan's lot of questions where not highly relevant and showed lack of patience to listen to finance minister ; he, rather went on like a ordinary journalist on lot of occasions in interview. Interview didn’t serve purpose of letting government explain the basis of their decision to implement 27% reservation in higher education institutes in India, because Karan didn't ask the relevant questions, like how government is going to make up for shortage of quality students –whom a developing country like India needs like any thing at this phase of evaluation into economically well to do country-after reserving 27% of in take at best institutes for substandard students. I took other helping for lunch and sat again to watch part II of video, second part ended with a barbed remark from Karan as if to avenge the bullying of Chidambaram, Karan said,” working under tutelage of widow of Rajiv Gandhi .",how can congress support reservation when Rajiv himself has opposed the reservation .

I am indignant to a extent that if some body bullies someone and I can relate myself getting bullied in same manner , I feel highly angry and anger culminates in depression. so, after interview was over, I was in sate of depression, and felt pain that seems to emanate from my heart ,I decide to take a nap. I have decide in morning to visit a person along with Vikas in connection of purchasing his car, but now I wasn't able to think about doing anything other than sleeping. When my sleep broke , Vikas had just went for nap, I spend some time on computer and then went to restroom to wash my mouth. I called Vikas to get up to accompany me to car owner ,I don't have driving license, so have to rely on Vikas to drive the car for checkup; but Vikas in his trademark way was insensitive to help .so ,the plane to visit car owner got cancelled. I felt bad about it ,although feeling bad about something that is inevitable is foolishness. I went into inner room stretched my self partly with my back on floor and legs crossed , and felt asleep.


when I got after 30 minutes or so Vikas was on my computer, I felt angry that he was sleepy enough to accompany me to car owner, but here he is punching key board only after thirty minute, although it was foolish of me to get angry. I, wanted to use my computer and finding Vikas on it made me also angry about him, but I could calm myself ,I thought ,since I have nothing important to do on computer, so I can wait for Vikas to finish with computer; I have this bad trait, though, idealistically speaking a good one, of tolerating others even if I feel angry ,because ,I feel if rationally it justified to tolerate someone ,I should tolerate them. But tolerating others while getting angry has proved bad for my mental health ,one has to work rationally without giving any room to anger or if one can't curb his anger it is better to leave rationality at back burner. I asked Vikas to put on some English songs, but due to high net traffic it was taking time for the music file to play ,so ,I have to little bit interfere with Vikas’s computer surfing and typing that made Vikas to realize that I want to sit on my compute. One of the thing I appreciate about Vikas is his ability to read others and becoming insensitive to them when it is need for particular purpose.

I restarted my computer and modem that made internet connection to become fast and I was able to play music. Meanwhile, I thought I should write today’s day here!