day of wastage -II

As a usual habit ,I left my bed two hours after the alarm was set for day, but considering the time I have been getting up for over a month or so, I didn’t get up late today. Today, my mind was light as against the general heaviness I am used to in most of mornings, straight way after I leave my bed.

I headed straight to my computer, checked for any new emails and few Indian and American news papers. Since, I have owned computer almost for nine months for now, I have got bad habit of surfing five to six main news papers continuously for hours ,till I don't get tired of the process, by the time I get tired ,I have no energy left to do anything other than resigning myself to sleep. The process of surfing news papers starts in positive sate of mind ,for first twenty minutes, I get a good picture of all the main news but when I pass twenty minute line I am sort of forced to go sifting through different news papers by some mysterious force and the positive sate of mind is taken over by state of repugnance -a feeling of dislike that I don't have motivation to leave computer and do something useful .I know ,I should stop the process of surfing after 20 minutes because there are other important things to be taken care of ,but somewhere I have lost the motivation to spend time on important chores of day, that makes me to dislike what I am doing, but motivation to leave my computer and start with my studies is so weak that I keep on going with my net surfing. After I have spend few hours on purposeless surfing through various news papers ,I lose peace of mind and feel very tired- human beings are programmed in a way, that if they do any task without full attention and any purpose they loose vital energy to keep going on, that is why Buddha emphasized to do every task with full attention and involvement how (trifle) the task be.

One of the core aspects of loosing motivation to spend my time ,on studies rather on purposeless net surfing is that for quite some time ,I have found I can't concentrate more than ten minutes whenever I try to study, particularly concentration becomes a problem when I have to understand any new concept -I feel my life style has made my mind become little imbecile .When I can't study and have nothing to do net surfing becomes only option, but lack of proper attention and involvement while net surfing makes me mentally and physically tired. Other reason for lack of motivation is ,on lot of occasions while studying I feel I am getting some difficult concepts easily I get excited and leave studies and as a celebration of my triumph I head for net surfing and then find it hard to go back to studies for one reason or other.

today, as mentioned earlier I was feeling light in my head ,so, decided to clean dishes and kitchen shelf; After cleaning dishes I set to make lunch, scooped two small cups of rice in rice cooker and placed it on heater, then I set a dish on high heat and added some oil into it; I have only little grocery left for week ,particularly there where only few frozen vegetable packs left, that too with little variety, so, I was forced to make regular stuff -bean and potatoes. By the time oil was hot enough I emptied the whole frozen vegetable content into dish,it made a lot of sputtering and few specks of oil got splashed on my hand to give me a burning sensation; I have lost patience for quite sometime to defrost the vegetables before putting them in oil because I am feeling frustrated about not being able to study. However, lunch was ready within hour or so and as soon it was ready I straight way fetched my plate and arranged the lunch on it and hasted to finish my lunch.

Meanwhile, I had found that Ibn, an Indian news channel, has put the interview of finance minister and a smart Indian journalist, Karan Thapar on there website. I started the video with my lunch plate on my lap ,while eating my lunch I watched the part I of interview .Karan Thapar is one of best young English interviewers in India, finance minister Chidambaram ,an Harvard MBA have a good command of English language ,so, it was going to be interactions between equals, as against the interviewers Karan had with other ministers in past ,who don’t hold a good command on English; even though they are outspoken people but could not counter Karan's volleys with élan .Finance minister did show his mastery of English language in interview but he also tried to bully Karan that was motivated by some extend by common south Indian notion of being intellectually superior to north Indians ,although Karan's lot of questions where not highly relevant and showed lack of patience to listen to finance minister ; he, rather went on like a ordinary journalist on lot of occasions in interview. Interview didn’t serve purpose of letting government explain the basis of their decision to implement 27% reservation in higher education institutes in India, because Karan didn't ask the relevant questions, like how government is going to make up for shortage of quality students –whom a developing country like India needs like any thing at this phase of evaluation into economically well to do country-after reserving 27% of in take at best institutes for substandard students. I took other helping for lunch and sat again to watch part II of video, second part ended with a barbed remark from Karan as if to avenge the bullying of Chidambaram, Karan said,” working under tutelage of widow of Rajiv Gandhi .",how can congress support reservation when Rajiv himself has opposed the reservation .

I am indignant to a extent that if some body bullies someone and I can relate myself getting bullied in same manner , I feel highly angry and anger culminates in depression. so, after interview was over, I was in sate of depression, and felt pain that seems to emanate from my heart ,I decide to take a nap. I have decide in morning to visit a person along with Vikas in connection of purchasing his car, but now I wasn't able to think about doing anything other than sleeping. When my sleep broke , Vikas had just went for nap, I spend some time on computer and then went to restroom to wash my mouth. I called Vikas to get up to accompany me to car owner ,I don't have driving license, so have to rely on Vikas to drive the car for checkup; but Vikas in his trademark way was insensitive to help .so ,the plane to visit car owner got cancelled. I felt bad about it ,although feeling bad about something that is inevitable is foolishness. I went into inner room stretched my self partly with my back on floor and legs crossed , and felt asleep.


when I got after 30 minutes or so Vikas was on my computer, I felt angry that he was sleepy enough to accompany me to car owner, but here he is punching key board only after thirty minute, although it was foolish of me to get angry. I, wanted to use my computer and finding Vikas on it made me also angry about him, but I could calm myself ,I thought ,since I have nothing important to do on computer, so I can wait for Vikas to finish with computer; I have this bad trait, though, idealistically speaking a good one, of tolerating others even if I feel angry ,because ,I feel if rationally it justified to tolerate someone ,I should tolerate them. But tolerating others while getting angry has proved bad for my mental health ,one has to work rationally without giving any room to anger or if one can't curb his anger it is better to leave rationality at back burner. I asked Vikas to put on some English songs, but due to high net traffic it was taking time for the music file to play ,so ,I have to little bit interfere with Vikas’s computer surfing and typing that made Vikas to realize that I want to sit on my compute. One of the thing I appreciate about Vikas is his ability to read others and becoming insensitive to them when it is need for particular purpose.

I restarted my computer and modem that made internet connection to become fast and I was able to play music. Meanwhile, I thought I should write today’s day here!

Day of wastage -I

I had planned to get up early last evening and set the alarm in my mobile phone for 7:30 -though not early by any standards; but since I went to bed at 3:30 in morning ,7:30 becomes early. Before setting alarm for morning, I always know that I am leaving my bed at set time; but I always set it with a resolve that next day is going to be different.

As planned, alarm started ringing sharp at 7:30-machines are always punctilious, they never fail you. But as usual ,I grabbed the mobile and put off the alarm and slid under my comforter; the morning-sleep at the time when you should leave your bed but don't want to get up is finest of all sleeps ,I call it sweet sleep for I can give any thing to get few more minutes of it.

Though I know to get up early in order to be punctual for set schedule is necessary for living stress free life, I lack motivation to give up those minutes of sweet sleep. For quite some time I am not motivated to do any thing concrete and spend most of time in sleeping or purposeless internet surfing. I feel somewhere in my subconscious, I have realized that whatever goals I have set for myself, wouldn’t not see light of day, so, motivation to work hard and become punctual is no longer there. But I am no looser, I have been trying to motivate myself that if I work hard and be punctilious, I may ensure a respectable life style for remaining of my life and most important ,I will be able to help my family .But, for some time I am having a feeling that I am future blind- I can't make my self to realize that if I continue to live life the way I am currently living, I am sure to see a bleak future ahead-and life seems to have lost it music for me .However, I have and will never loose hope for a good life ,where very aspect of life become a soothing music. I am sure this phase will pass and I will again live a normal life.


I finally left my bed at 10'Oclock and as a regular habit turned on my computer and checked for any new emails and messages on some social networking websites. I was still feeling lazy, not to go to department; but, somehow I managed to take a bath and a quick breakfast. Before leaving for school, I called to my family and asked to check some information about bank account number my dad has given me for transferring money into it from my account, I then called my bank to give them revised information about the account where money has to be transferred.

I had some over-due-date books to be returned to library, so, I put together all those books and arranged them in cloth bag . At around 11'oclock I left for school along with the bag-heavy lode-with good sweating and feeling little stress in back I reached library. The person at library desk told me that I could have renewed the books over phone, I felt indignation about a young girl standing nearby who had told me otherwise about book renewal, I didn’t say anything to young brat but felt bat about whole thing.

After I was done with my work at library, I headed straight way to Jason’s Office-Jason is a technical staff at department. I asked Jason about the trigger circuit for LED-Jason had told me few days back that he will design tiger Circuit for LED and I should check with him after few days-but to my dismay, he hasn’t done any thinking about how to design the circuit, but assured me it shall be ready for next week; feeling of dismay was taken over by feeling of hope that somehow I will be able to make LED run.

I went to my office and grabbed my bag, before leaving for my apartment I checked with Sandra about schedule of Dr. Lichti and came to know he is not in department for over a week from now. I reached my apartment and straight way checked a favorite social networking website and did find some gals online, contacted some of them and got response from few; one chick was the type I would like to be friend with, as she was thinking type, but after few mutual emails with her she felt I am imposter and stopped communicating ,I felt little heart broken, Other chick also responded for some time but held back after I told her I am little shy type. I wrote both of them explaining that I may be the guy they are looking around online, but to no avail, they have made their mind that I am not their type guy.

Today may be other waste day , but somehow I was motivate to write today’s happening in here ....this post is not finished yet

Day of Realization I

it was going to be other late arising, but Dr.kaul’s knock at the door got me up at right time; most of times when i leave my bed, I feel strong urge to get back except when some external agent makes me to get up. I made some tea for myself and Vikas, today-morning was those rare instances when i felt without any pain due to my insecurities.

I gathered my mail of last two weeks from shelf above where my computer sits and sat to open it, sifting through mail is mostly a abhorrent process for me but with little patience I can sift through whole bunch of mail without getting any headache, I finished mail checking in one go.Dr.kaul had brought his kid in the morning to our apartment, Vikas was leaving for his work and I came to know that I was supposed to be with kids till he is back’s let him know that I too have some important work at department and suggested that we could lock the kids in apartment from outside .Vikas as usual with his conservative outlook molded by his extrovert mindset was adamant to take kids along with him to his office ;he believed leaving children alone in apartment is illegal, anything untoward could happen.

After Vikas along with kids left, I felt that regular feeling of uneasiness that arises due to duality that lingers in my mind about decisions I make; I wasn’t sure whether I should have decided to stay at home to be with kids or leave for department. I thought since Vikas has helped me on lot of occasions and I hardly been of any help to him ,I should have taken care of kids and let him go for his work but then I thought help has to be returned without putting oneself on disadvantage. By now that feeling of uneasiness was gone. In the state of defocus, i went to myspace website looked around for online gals, but there wasn’t any. I rushed to bathroom took off my clothes and took a shower, fully naked, for some time I have stopped using underwear as I sweat heavily in summer and get itchy feeling if I am wearing underwear.I put on my normal T shirt and jeans ,I have been wearing over a month ,bowed before my little temple and prayed for hassle free day and got up to ask samething from lord Ganasha, whenever I have motivation to do little prayer before leaving from my place, I leave in high spirits .

I, reached my department, put my bag in my office and headed straight to Mr.kims office, find Jason there and enquired about whether they have placed any order for photodetector,and then left to meet Dr.Holtz ,he wasn’t in his office and it occurred to me that I need to check with Jason about how to place a workshop order with him. I headed back to Jason’s office and I told him it would be better if he can have a look on sample stand I want to place workshop order for, he was busy so I came back and went with him to Dr.lichtis laboratory; I explained how I intend to machine a slot in stand and to place a LED and focusing lenses into slot ;He suggested that i should first make some calculations about where to place the LED and lens in the slot to get a desired focus for light emitted by LED. Those moments of uncertainty again surfaced in me, Jason has given his help and was just standing besides me and I became uncertain whether to tell him that he can leave or let him decide on his own. Meanwhile I decide to move out from the laboratory and Jason followed me I thought I would be better to have a look on LEDS ,I have kept with Jason ,to get a better idea about their dimensions, so,I went with Jason to his office again and he did required measurements for me ,I thanked him for help and left in a positive mood; generally whenever I have went for seeking help from technical staff at my work place I leave in downbeat mood after meeting them; partly, because technical staff is not outright helpful and do try to show there attitude by hurting your ego by there slow responses or complete unwillingness to answer your questions and partly ,because I am not smart enough to handle such situations and lazy to do groundwork on job before approaching them .

I ,set out for home, while on my way I felt little unconfident about the way I walk with a bag hanging from my shoulder but immediately I regained my confidence by motivating myself that confidence is sate of mind rather to be decided by way I walk. I reached my place and straight way phoned to vikas to let him know that he can bring back kids as I have returned back, a feeling of reproach about not helping Vikas by staying at apartment in morning with kids was still hovering in my mind .Again in sate of defocus I sat to check myspace for any good-looking gals who is wiling to have sex with me, but was unsuccessful to find one, I was feeling hungry and made few sandwiches and by the time I finished eating sandwiches, I was feeling sleepy; I went to bed and pulled comforter over myself .

I, got up after few hours and straight way went to check Myspace website for any chance to find any willing gal, surfed myspace for few hours but was again unsuccessful .A task done with clear purpose always leaves you happy whether or not desired outcome is achieved and one done with unclear purpose leaves you unhappy in either way; since, I was looking for gals for sex not for making friends and tried to pose as one who is looking for friendship ,I was feeling licentious, so, I (checked) few porn sites and saw dozen of 1 minute sex-act videos, after that I went to toilet to deflate my rod. Coming out of toilet I as usually resolved to become disciplined but within next thirty minutes I was back with myspace thing and went through same process. Again, I vowed to maintain sexual discipline, this time had realization that looking for women to get laid is a futile process for me, because I don't have enough credentials to impress a American chick; getting laid with some hooker or unattractive girl never motivated me, as I feel that act of sex is not mere mechanical act but leads to emotional attachment with sex partner which I can't establish with hooker.

Now,my head was clear from infatuation to get laid; I checked orkut website also a friendship seeker website but not solely to find chicks, and answered some of comments and questions ,friends have written on my scrap section, besides I wrote some stuff on scrap section of some gals but with purpose of making new connections. I put on music, recent hits and after a long time felt good, listening English music because my mind was in sate of focus). I decide to record my whole day in writing and started writing with this blog,i pray God he keeps me mentally sane so that I can make it a habit to record every day of life whether good or bad in the form of Blog.